I can’t physically or mentally follow a linear path whether that be in cleaning my house, trying to buy healthy foods without bankrupting our retirement at the grocery store, or doing math. It also means that my husband and child operate under that same chaotic methodology. Kevin hates it. While easily distracted (understatement of the century) his brain has the ability to clean up the kitchen without simultaneously doing laundry, making lunch, and running a marathon. I’m impressed by that linear focus, but I’m more impressed by my ability to multitask in a way that may seem like I’m making and using meth in my basement bathroom.
But, moms get shit done, so in order to make all of the meth, raise a contributing member of society, not burn down the house baking cookies, and rake the leaves, moms have to be resourceful. With that being said, may I present to you:
Mom Hacks – Hot Mess Edition:
1: Sign up for Every. Single. Thing possible that involves your child. Your child’s classroom has a party every six minutes, perfect. Sign up to be the craft mom for every one of those parties. When your child’s teacher calls you to follow through on it. Panic. Immediately go on Pinterest and make yourself feel bad about your basement meth lab bathroom, lack of farm décor, and thighs. If other people’s kids make you nervous, even better. Plan an insanely difficult craft and then try not to cry when one of those children coughs into your mouth. Wear a cute denim jacket over your long-sleeved shirt so you get really sweaty. It’s basically cardio. Now you can spend the time you should have been working out today laying in the fetal position while clutching a glass of wine. Wine is also good for your heart, so basically you just added years to your life.
2: I recently started a full-time job. I also have a part-time job and two volunteer jobs. (I’m not saying that to brag. I’m sharing that to highlight what an absolute idiot I am.) Once you’ve signed up for literally Every. Single. Thing. call your husband crying at least once a week, once a day if you can swing it, to tell him you’re having chest pains from stress from one of the volunteer positions you hold that doesn’t pay you money…it just pays you in stress and angry emails about people’s dogs you have no control over. Later in the day, (three minutes later precisely if you can swing it) call your spouse three times in a row when they are in a business meeting so they have to step away from something important to tell them it was a false alarm, you’re actually KILLING IT at your job that pays actual money today and you’re currently happy dancing in your office. Small victories always seem more fulfilling when you’ve had an unrelated meltdown leading up to them. Try it! It’s horrible for your heart but really fun and exciting for your heart all at the same time. Like water slides or trying to kiss a cobra on the lips, but since you’re drinking that wine you’re heart can handle it!
3: While at the park with your child, realize that you need to pee like now. You actually needed to pee an hour ago and somehow forgot and now it’s an emergency. Negotiate for 15 minutes with your child that she doesn’t have to go potty, mommy has to go potty, and you won’t even make her try, but that she can’t stay at the park alone because there are strangers. Spend 10 minutes explaining what a stranger is. Spend 10 minutes explaining that she still has to say hello to people she doesn’t know. Apologize profusely to the woman walking towards the park when your child looks at her like she’s evil incarnate. Question every choice you’ve ever made in your life that led to the moment you started to pee in your pants in front of your potty training toddler and a stranger trying to enjoy a walk with her dog. Walk all of the way across the playground, walk passed the open field, walk across the parking lot, and walk down the sidewalk while a seemingly drunk person follows 10 feet behind you while rolling across the ground, skipping, laying in the parking lot to stare into the sun, and demanding snacks (it was actually my toddler) to discover that the park bathroom is locked for the season. Panic. Start to pace and google the closest bathroom. Realize there’s no way you can make it. Say a prayer to all things holy that you don’t pee your pants in front of your kid because she will never forget it. Realize that you have a toddler potty in the back of your station wagon. Start speed walking back across the parking lot. This time straight up drag the drunk person, sorry toddler, you spend all of your time with. Tell her mommy is going to have an accident if you don’t hurry. Spend the run/walk/potty dance across the parking lot explaining mommy won’t actually pee her pants because we don’t peepee in our “mundies” we pee in the potty. Answer the 19 questions related to the fact that you weren’t actually going to pee in your “mundies” (I already had a little if I’m being honest with you, reader) Explain that you were exaggerating. Explain what exaggerating means. Open up the back of your station wagon and grab the potty as a mom pulls up with a van FULL of kids. Do you know how long it takes a mom to unload a van full of kids? A long time. I know because I waited to pull my pants down and pee in the backseat of my car while my toddler clapped and said, “Good job mama!!” then “Oh no, mama! We no pee pee in our mundies!” Setting your child’s expectations of you so low can only benefit you in the long run. Parenting is so much easier when your child doesn’t even expect you to have the capacity to not pee your pants at a park in front of their peers.
4: Once you’ve peed in your car in public for God and all of the toddlers to see, it’s a slippery slope of mom hacks that are borderline alarming. So this morning as we drove to school, with Ellie eating her breakfast in the backseat (because you’ve read this post…you know I’m not the kind of person that is able to get my kid breakfast before we walk out the door) I looked over and saw her milk cup had spilled across the passenger seat and was being soaked up by her playground jacket, hat, and gloves. I started searching for the bag of wipes I keep in the car. They were nowhere to be found (THANKS, Kev!) I used her mittens and as I was taking my stocking cap off to try to soak up the rest with it, I had a brilliant idea. I usually keep a backup pad and tampon in my car. It obviously worked better than any wipe could have ever dreamed their little wipe dreams of working. And I’m reassured that even hot mess moms get shit done. Even if that shit is cleaning up milk in the school parking lot with feminine hygiene products while a whole host of other moms that have never had their pants off at a park drive by and wave.