Full blown

This is the face of a woman in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I haven’t had one in a really long time but tonight out of left field I lost the daily struggle to keep the crazy in check. My kid was sweet today, my husband was an awesome co-parent, work was just fine. Why the fuck does this happen?

So tonight when it hit and I couldn’t breathe and I was sobbing uncontrollably I did something out of character for me, I reached out for help. I stumbled into the room my husband was in, collapsed at his feet and sobbed so hard I couldn’t talk. He did something out of character for him too, he just rubbed my back and then went and grabbed me a tissue. After what seemed like hours but was just minutes I was able to breathe again and I said I need to go run. So I did. Not because I’m some super human that channels a panic attack into something positive, because this isn’t my normal way of coping with stress, but because I didn’t know what else to do and running away from the anxiety was what seemed like the most logical thing to do at the moment.

I ran and I cried while I was on the treadmill, much to the dismay of the people next to me at the gym. Eventually the woman at the end of the row of treadmills stopped her run and came to run on the treadmill next to me. She gets it. She’s been here. She didn’t have to say a word, we just ran next to each other and when I increased my speed so did she. She wasn’t competing with me, she was just running next to me. It felt so good to be able to just run out the anxiety and not have to say a word. I finished my run and hopped off and started a pyramid lifting regimen that would make my favorite fitness instructor, Rachel, proud. The woman on the treadmill jogged until I was finished and as I was putting my weights away she smiled and walked out of the gym.

I work really hard to be the good in the world, but sometimes I need someone to look out for me too. Having a spouse that stepped up to rub my back and grab me a tissue and a stranger that knew I probably shouldn’t be in the apartment complex gym alone was what I needed for good in the world tonight. 

You know what else I needed? Eric Hutchinson. Seriously. That dude just gets me. So next time you’re sobbing in public and making everyone around you uncomfortable, might I suggest doing it while running? Is that sweat or tears running down your face? Only you and the random woman you’ve never seen before and will probably never see again will know.